Ever since I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a mum.
I hear people tell stories about how they knew what they were going to be when they grew up with all these ambitions, hopes, and dreams, and I don’t remember dreaming anything else apart from motherhood.
I first got pregnant at 17.
I am still with the same partner now, but we have to admit I got pregnant through carelessness and being young and stupid.
However, we were happy regardless of the fact it wasn’t planned.
Unfortunately, as soon as we found out, I was in agony, and it turned out our brief good news turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy.
I was 6 weeks pregnant and taken to the hospital to have a fallopian tube and the baby removed.
It was heartbreaking for us both as we had so much love for each other and were so excited at the prospect of having a baby.
Looking back at it now, I am in my 30’s, it’s a bittersweet feeling, on the one hand, I feel sad about the life that could have been, but I am also realistic about the fact that we were still children ourselves.
It was the universes way of telling us it wasn’t time.
A few years later, we were so happy to find out we were expecting another baby!
We were over the moon and even though having one fallopian tube isn’t supposed to lower your fertility chances, I still had that worry in the back of my mind.
As I had very little experience with my last pregnancy, I was excited to reach all those milestones.
I bought a book (this was before iPhones and apps) to tell me what goal my baby was reaching each week and how big the baby was getting.
Everything was going fine until my 20-week scan when disaster struck once more!
I hadn’t had any signs or symptoms to tell me anything was wrong, but at my scan, they explained that the baby hadn’t been the right size it should be.
Not only was the baby a lot smaller than expected, but it looked like something wasn’t quite right with her heart.
This all seems a little bit of a blur now due to hyped emotions and it being a long time ago, but all I remember is my heart breaking at the thought that something could be wrong.
I was told to go away over the weekend and to come back Monday to have another scan and go from there.
I spent the weekend distracted by going out with my friends and seeing family, trying to stay positive and not worry about it too much.
Unfortunately, on the Monday when we went for the scan, we were told that our baby’s heart had stopped beating.
It was devastating news and something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
As if it wasn’t bad enough, I had to go through labour as I was too far gone for her to naturally leave my body.
I am so grateful for the people I had around me at the time, and I’m grateful I had my boyfriend with me every step of the way. He stayed with me the whole time I was in the hospital and took care of me after.
Looking back, I don’t remember if I was there for him!
He never mentioned that I wasn’t, but at times like that, it’s good to remember it wasn’t just about me, I had to go through the physical labor, but he was there too.
I hope I was there for him, and we definitely came out so much stronger after going through something so devastating.
So now we had lost 2 babies, and my dream of becoming a mum didn’t seem to be happening.
I would find myself jealous of friends and family who announced they were having a baby.
Why did these people get to have a baby with what seemed to be very little effort?
It seemed like other couples only had to look at each other and get pregnant!
It made me feel like a bad person as I’d be happy for them but also secretly envious. I didn’t want to make people uncomfortable at telling me their fantastic news, but I also felt like my body was useless and not doing what it was supposed to be doing.
Shortly after this, we decided there wasn’t a lot keeping us at home, so we decided to go to America for 3 months.
When I look back at that time, we had so much fun, we didn’t particularly have a care in the world, we stayed at a friend’s house for cheap and had no plans on what to do next.
It seems like a time when we were young and free and could do what we want with no responsibility.
We also could have done so much more!
We were staying in Las Vegas and traveled to LA and explored Hollywood, we also made it to San Fransisco, catching a boat to Alcatraz, and enjoyed eating at restaurants every night.
When we sit at home now, we talk about all the things we could have done, but I’m happy we went away. I think it’s something we both needed and is a great experience I look back on fondly.
While in America…..guess what??!!
I got pregnant…… pregnancy number 3.
Third-time lucky, right?
A few days after finding out, I started to bleed, and after a hospital trip, we found out I had a miscarriage. As you can imagine, this was an upsetting time, and I am speaking from my own experiences, it wasn’t as upsetting as the other 2.
I had been through so much with my other pregnancies.
This one came and went very quickly.
I remember standing at the Bellagio fountains in Las Vegas, throwing a coin in and wishing that I could have a baby.
I didn’t have another period after that miscarriage because I got pregnant straight after.
I was happy, amazed, and excited but understandably very anxious.
We had been through so much and could have given up hope. I was still very young and couldn’t give up on my goal in life!
I am forever and truly grateful that this pregnancy ‘stuck.’
As you can imagine, I was particularly cautious and was very scared going in for that 20-week scan.
Everything was fine, and we found out we were having a boy.
Jude was born on 13/1/12 and weighed a very healthy weight of 9lb 3oz (ouch)
I totally didn’t expect the labor to be so painful (ridiculous as you’re squeezing out a whole other person), and my birth wasn’t even that bad.
It took 12 hours and had no complications. I just thought I had been through it before with my late miscarriage, so I thought I knew what to expect.
I only had gas and air and have never made so many horrendous noises in my life. I’m sure I must have scared anyone going past that door to have their baby!
As I said 12 hours later we had our beautiful Jude.
Alan and I have laughed at the fact that I wanted this so badly, I went through all that pain, and when they put Jude onto my chest for that first meeting, I just had a look of shock (terror?) it’s such a surreal thing to experience, and I am so grateful I got to experience it.
I am so aware that some women will never get to go through it, and I feel for them so much as I thought I would be one of them.
Jude has been everything we wanted and more.
He is now 9 (going on 15), and we have loved watching him grow from a (not so little) baby to walking and talking, having his own interests, making friends, doing amazing at school, having a great sense of humor but also being very stubborn and strong-willed.
He has also, through the years, asked us for a baby!
So then the next issue is would we be able to have another?
Truthfully I went on the contraceptive pill just after having Jude but came off it quite soon as I don’t like using it and what it does to my body and mental health.
So, we haven’t used any contraception since Jude was about 6 months old.
We thought if it happened, it happened, and if it didn’t, then it was fine we have Jude.
If I got pregnant easily, I would have used some kind of contraception.
I always saw myself with 2 children, and the problems with getting 1 had been hard enough!
Years went by, and I could feel myself starting to get a bit resentful again.
Now it was everywhere!
People were getting pregnant left, right, and center, and we’d get that bloody awful question
‘So when are you having another?’
I hate that…. I felt annoyed if people that knew full well what I had been through would ask me.
Were they stupid??
Looking back, I was probably just a ‘tiny’ bit sensitive, and they were trying to make polite conversation.
Jude would ask ‘when can we get a baby?’
…and I would never know what to tell him. I hadn’t told him that he was my 4th pregnancy, and I didn’t know how he would take it.
It actually turned out that recently I had told him, I showed him the minuscule hand and footprints of his sister and explained everything that had happened.
It turned out that children don’t really take it all in like we do, and he was fine.
Actually, I think he felt happy that he was the one who ‘survived.’
I am happy with the way he took it. He’s so mature for his age that sometimes it surprises me.
I had just started going to the doctors for various blood tests to see if I could conceive again as it had been over 8 years and not one pregnancy!
I have always had very irregular periods, so I was getting down and was sick of buying pregnancy tests every single month ‘just in case.’
I decided to get into shape, lose my baby weight from Jude ( years later, haha), and feel better about myself.
I wasn’t going to sit and mope anymore and started thinking about the possibility that Jude will be my one and only.
I lost 15 pounds and started to feel the best I’ve ever felt.
I didn’t realize that’s what I needed!
It was hard work and consisted of running and working out 6 days a week and eating healthier. But when I started to focus on that…… an absolute miracle happened!
I am pregnant with baby number 2. As I write this, I am nearly 24 weeks and still in absolute shock.
I am also nervous as hell, but I’m sure that’s all-natural.
When I’ve been for my scan and to see the midwife, they are pleased with the heartbeat, and the baby won’t stop wiggling all over the place!
Jude’s so happy and trying to feel the baby at every opportunity.
I’m not sure whether it’s the fact that I was pregnant almost 10 years ago, but I’ve had a pretty rough pregnancy with morning sickness, feeling exhausted, and like my boobs are about to explode!
I’ve even been in tears a few times from feeling so rubbish, and it makes me feel awful to feel like that after wanting this for so long, but I’m sure it will pass, and I can’t wait to hold that newborn in my arms.
I suppose I wanted to share my story so if it helps one person, I’ll be happy.
You never know what people have to go through, and we’re all too quick to judge.
I hope by sharing this, someone will be able to relate and maybe not feel alone.
I have never sat down and thought properly about what has happened over these years, and it has cleared a big space in my head that I didn’t even realize I needed cleared!
I hope you have enjoyed/ related to my long story, and I hope it has helped somehow.
There is always hope, and if you have gone through loss or had fertility problems, it’s always best to talk to someone and know you’re not alone!